Healing Oneself by Healing Others

Denise was a treat; open, candid, caring; with great respect and compassion she gave us a picture of denisechildwhat happens in to the life of those who suffer; she was able to transmit to us a reality that could hardly be ignored, a past that doesn’t go away till it is looked at it in the face, till it is accepted and embraced, out in the open so we are able to let go, to let be. The kind of past that needs to be acknowledged and embraced, talked about and brought to light so it can heal, blending with today’s safe memories.

Having been molested, Denise went through very hard times, detached from reality, denying her pain, she went trough life with a tremendous secret, sorrow and shame that was eating her inside. During all those years of silence, the abuse that had happened was still a negative force inside of Denise, burning, breaking, hurting, as coals stay lit and hot, her memories, her secret, were still living inside of her, bringing shame and confusion, depression and destructive patterns.

Denise new she had to do something, so she set herself up to help others. Volunteering for charities and support organizations was a great beginning for Denise, giving her a sense of accomplishment, community, healing; but mostly opening up in her the desire to talk, bringing the strength from inside to start sharing her story with a few of the victims she helped, giving them hope and courage with her experiences, with her lead and example.  Denise realized she needed to tell her story to others, if a story going to heal others has to be told; and as an unexpected bonus, Denise started her own healing by sharing, by trusting again, but opening up here heart and allowing for redemption, for understanding and compassion; for a new life, really, full of dreams and goals, feeling safe and secure, and feeling useful, helping other teens in trouble overcome their problems and bring light in to their own lives. Isn’t that a something? When we set out to help others we end up helping ourselves the most. So this way Denise realized that the best way to help herself and help others was to keep on coming forward, to be open and supportive; to be strong for herself and others, but mostly for that brave little girl, Denise, that endured all that pain and suffering, all that shame and isolation out of love for her mother and the promise of a “normal” family.

Denise started writing and a has a great blog, you can read some of her work here http://bnewvision.wordpress.com/

She has also produced an amazing video of her experience and healing process http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r66Ov2_jKsI&feature=youtu.be

This project is allowed Denise to admit to her pain, remove the shame opening a whole new avenue of possibilities, compassion, love, understanding, support and hope. Denise has been able to free herself from her chains, gathering the strength and courage to help others.

Today Denise, although has a long way to go, a whole life time of healing, is a much happier woman, that stands up for herself, not ashamed to be a victim, but proud to be a survivor.

You can listen to the archive of her interview http://www.blogtalkradio.com/becausewomenareamazing/2014/01/08/children-are-precious

 

Children Are Precious

Babies are born innocent and happy, wired up to absorb the world and its uses; strong and kidsmalleable, with an innate instinct to trust those that receive them in this world, their family, with the expectation to be cared for, supported, cherished.

And so they grow up, and regardless all the mistakes that their parents may have made, most of them feel safe, as they have been protected to the best of their parents knowledge, they have been supported and nurtured.

But as open and ready to trust as children maybe, they are still vulnerable as they become in to this world. See? They come in to this world prepared to absorb, to learn, to adapt…so they do. Scientists say that children personalities are formed during the first 5 years of their lives. That is when they learn about boundaries, value, love, safety and self-worth. Their little minds are built to absorb and to learn and they are hardwired for love, understanding and discipline. Seeing children growing up is beautiful.

Parents have a huge responsibility in this world, and most of them are outstanding at it. Nurturing, loving, caring, educating; but life has a way of turning around, and children can be prey of diseases and accidents. It is so hard to see a little one suffer, really hurt, but fortunately those are seldom serious, and most children grow up happy without permanent damage from happenings on their life, as parents have the hope and confidence that their child will grow up healthy to be a productive member of society.

The problem starts when parents forget their responsibilities or when family relations forget their place in protecting that child and start abusing. This is a tremendous problem; most children will give signs early on of most everything that bothers them other than abuse. Abuse can go undetected for a long time, allowing for deeper damage, for deeper mistrust

Unfortunately there is such a shame and such a taboo around the issue, that even babies, young children feel it. Even though it is not them doing it wrong, they get manipulated, lied to, threatened in a way that not only they will not open their mouths to report the perpetrator, most abused children will not show any signs of abuse for the longest time, and some of them even forget the issue completely for it to resurface later on in life as aggression, insecurity and self deprecation. It is terrible damage, not just at the time that it occurs; it will affect the life of that child for as long as they live, to a higher or lesser degree depending on how much their parents care for them, how fast is found and how much professional help they are provided with.

It is never a good situation for the child. If it isn’t found out it can go in for years, breaking that little soul a little at the time. The shame, the fear the helplessness can be terrifying, and there is not way to save the children from that. Whether the fact gets found out or not, it will always live in the child’s mind, to bring nightmares.

But even though we can’t save the child that has already been abused, we can respect and value them. We can take the taboo and shame from it by talking about it openly, encouraging survivors of child abuse to talk about their troubles, their pains, their suffering, without being humiliated. It is easy to blame the victim, it is easy to look at teens in trouble and decide it must be their fault or their parents rearing.

To talk about child abuse and its consequences I have invited Denise Boyd to the show. Denise was abused as a child and has grown up to build a great life for herself. She has been able to leave the nightmares behind and become a successful woman, a happy wife and a loving mother. She has been able to conquer her fears, but also, she has found it in herself to be an advocate, to give testimony and to live a life of example so young man and women that may have gone through her same trial will see and have the certainty that their lives may have been damaged, their minds and bodies abused, but there is hope, there is a way to make a better life and to fulfill the dreams that they may have had along the way

Please join me to welcome Denise Tuesday January 7th at 8 PM PST http://www.blogtalkradio.com/becausewomenareamazing/2014/01/08/children-are-precious

Shame Is Not An Option

Tuesday’s show was really inspiring and fulfilling, great information and testimonial, but what really rosasimpressed me about Rhachelle was her energy, her sense of accomplishment and her rightfulness.

She was really candid about a matter that is considered taboo in the best of cases, if not really despicable. Admitting to one’s failure so candidly is really admirable, as all great deeds come after great mistakes. And what can be considered an immense personal failure; Rhachelle has turned in to a fabulous personal achievement, a success. Just by the fact that she is transmitting her message, she is preventing other women to commit the same mistakes she committed. She has been able to bring about the importance of self-love and self-respect over what others may think about you. Rhachelle has been able to stand up for others by standing up for herself.

She is taking the shame out of dishonor, fear out of fright and failure out of mistake. She positivices her life in a way that makes all the wrong rights and makes it worth living, try again, start over and eventually get it right. Her message is clear, the only mistake is to give up, to not try again, to hide in shame and not make a full life our of the rest of your existence. Living a life of shame is not an option for this fabulous woman, living a life of hope and achievement is more like it, it is what she is destined to.

That is what life is all about after all, keeping it going, using failures as experience, steppingstones for a brighter future.

Transforming the fear and the tribulations in to love and experience, Rhachelle started a project to advocate and support others. Using her shame as her banner she is removed the dishonor from her life, by standing up to herself, her family and her children, by standing out and being an example or courage, she is inspiring thousands of woman to let go of the pain, to let go of the disgrace and stand up for themselves and their families, to be proud of who they are. The past is past, the future is brand new, and there is a whole life ahead of them, to make it right to make it better for us all

Thank you Rhachelle for your courage and your candid testimonial, thank you for your willingness to put out an effort so other women can heal, through your scars.

You can learn more about Rhachelle and get in contact with her at http://rhachellenicol.com/ pay her a visit, it will be worth your while

For addional information in this and other Because Women are Amazing Blog shows visit Danica’s blog at http://nica2013blog.wordpress.com/

 

And join us next week, on Tuesday at 8 PM PST sharp http://www.blogtalkradio.com/captivating-chats

Domestic Violence Awareness

We live in turbulent times, but this is not a new thing. Women have been suffering abuse for as long asDSCN1175 women and men have been getting together and having children.

Life turns around and we don’t even know how. One day we are fine, we have all our cards in our hands, we believe the rest of our lives will be just like they were up to now. But suddenly there is a turn and then other, and even another one, and then we feel lost. We don’t know what to do any more, what was right is left and what we used to like is hurting us. The truth is that the only thing that we can trust in life is that it will change, but we forget. We plan the rest of our lives like if we knew what lies ahead, but we are shown, time and time again that we should not take anything for granted.

And oh well, we find out that life changes and that we have to adapt, but how do we make mayor changes when we are not ready, because we never are. We get disoriented as we think that it could not happen to us, our spouse will not turn on us, our lives are guaranteed to stay as we planed them. . Those things happen to other people, not us. We are too full of ourselves, not really understanding that we are at the mercy of the elements.

And one month turns in to another and a year in to the next, all this can go for a long time before we realize what is going on. Finally there will be a catharsis, a climax that turns the tables. For many women is the first time that the abuse turns in to violence, for others is their family when they finally find out, and still for others is fear for their children, that they may get hurt, that they may grow up to find all this as natural or heavily traumatized.

Women get out of terrible situations and get ahead; sometimes it takes years to get their heads above the water once again. It is not an easy task, to deal with the divorce, the loneliness and the prospect of a future without the person that one day, not too long ago, was the center of their lives. And then is the matter of dealing with a family of by themselves, with the expenses and the job, the problems, children and day care; but most of all the shame. Many women have a really hard time dealing with the fact that their spouses abused them, that they have a failed marriage. What are their families going to think about them? How could their judgment be so skew?

The truth is that none of that is needed. There are myriads of reasons why people abuse others, and none of them are the fault of the abused, but still, that is part of the mourning, part of the suffering that the victim feels, once again being victimized.

Fortunately there are more and more women getting ahead with their lives after traumatic experiences, as there is more awareness, more services and more education about the matter. October is the month for domestic violence awareness, one of the many ways that we as a society have placed for people’s education, for this problem to go away, so no more women need to go through the anguish of not knowing what to do and the shame of having to undo their lives so they can keep on living, and to honor this social awareness effort we like to contribute with a program dedicated to all the women that have suffered and are suffering at the hands of their spouses.

I don’t want anybody to think that I believe that all man are abusers, not by far, but some are and they do a lot of damage, to their spouses, their children and themselves.  And I don’t want to indicate that it is only men that abuse women. Some women abuse men as well. Abuse is not only physical violence; it can take many forms, including sexual abuse, verbal abuse, coercion and control. 

 

To give help us understand the issue and make us further conscientious of the matter we have invited Rhachelle Nicol, a brave woman that went through really hard times to come the other way with flying colors. After she won her own personal battles,  feeling that she had to help others Rhachelle is currently working on a project to bring awareness, education and support to women in trouble.

Please join us this coming Tuesday October 22nd at 8 PM PST to welcome Rhacelle Nicole to our show, you will be surprised and delighted with this highly energetic women, we are delighted to have her with us.

Whose Responsibility Are These Children?

Life is complicated enough without a hard start, these children are really shortchanged. And whose fault ispinkstorm it? Are they to be blamed for their shortcomings?

I don’t know if they are blamed, but for sure they pay for other’s mistakes. They pay for the mistakes of their mothers, the system and the rest of society judging them and making a mess of what little stability they have.

The conversation with Ana was enlightening. She is a very strong woman. Ana not only chose to be a foster mother, and helped quite a few of these children, she took it upon herself to adopt, to take full responsibility for these children, to give them a second chance; to give them home, with structure and discipline, but mostly with love and security. She brought them full force in to her live, made them a part of her family, to hold and to love, to be with them, and see them through adulthood and hopefully success.

Ana talked about her children being normalized, and how hard it was at time for them to accept their new situation. No matter what, how much love and care they are provided, these children feel the loss, feel the abandonment and abuse they are subject to from the womb, way before they are born.

So she opted for adoption to be able to stabilize the situation as much as possible; she started fostering for her love of children, so she could have kids to take care of and raise in her home, and she adopted because she fell in love with these children, because she saw the need and understood that she could do something about it.

But what can we do as a society to remediate this problem? Is Ana’s opinion that when a child goes in to foster care we have already fail them, and I feel the same way. What can we do to stop this irresponsible way in which people have children when they are not able to take care of themselves? Is it our problem? Do we have the tools to change this? Ana thinks so. She is starting a support group for parents of troubled children in her area. She is working to get a blog in which she will give testimony and help spread information regarding conditions and resources, so other parents can get additional help. Ana is a woman with a mission, a woman with a very clear goal; to raise her children in a healthy home, to give them all the love and security that they need to be able to develop in to young positive adults is Ana’s dream, and she is giving it all she’s got.

Next week we will be talking about supporting organizations, how to ladies from California transformed their life experience in to a passion to support minority awareness organizations.

To get additional information about this and other topics, visit Danica’s blog at http://nica2013blog.wordpress.com/

Children Of Neglect

Being a mother is a right but also a responsibility. Some take it for granted, as most every woman can get DSCN1207pregnant if she has a partner to have sex with. But what does it really mean to be a mother? To get pregnant and to bring children to the world doesn’t quite cut it. That is just a biological function, like eating or vowel moving. To get pregnant and give birth doesn’t make you a mother. It is a lot more than that. Being a mother is being responsible for your children, making sure that they are healthy even before they are born, to take all the steps necessary to bring a happy healthy child to this world, to give them a head start on their lives.

Some irresponsible women get pregnant while they are strung out on crack, in many instances from men that don’t care to see their babies as much as they don’t care to ever again see their partners of one night. These women carry on with their destructive behavior, entangling innocent children in to their downward spiral. It is not right that people are negligent on their parenting; and it is not a matter of judging another human being on their habits; it is an issue that concerns us all, that has irreparable consequences for the children that happen to be born to those careless parents. I also would like to point out that it is not just the women that are doing the wrong thing. The fathers that choose to smoke and select their partners among women that do are just as irresponsible. They may not be carrying the babies on their womb, but they do contribute faulty DNA to the fetus, faulty support to the expecting mothers and faulty environment to the children born from that union.

We have a problem with neglected children, and although research out of Pennsylvania confirms that most people whose mothers smoked crack while pregnant don’t have permanent damage from the drug itself, they do have a lot of trouble when they are born, suffering abstinence syndrome, lower birth weight and nervousness that can turn in to ADHD later in life. All this in itself will shortchange them of a good start in life. There is additional damage done because of neglect, and because women that use crack very seldom use just one drug. They often drink and use pills, they overlook their own health, spending the little money they may have on the drugs instead of on a safe place where to sleep and on food to nourish themselves and the children.

These children end up in a less that desirable environment, being exposed to drugs themselves, going hungry and sleeping in strange houses or being homeless. In many cases they are left to fend for themselves for days on end, and when found out, sent in to the system, which provides foster care for them, adding to a very unstable start in life. All these put together is a recipe for disaster. This children don’t really know any better that the life that they have had since they were born, and in many cases love their parents as they are the only parents they know, their providers, if you can call them that. So to all the trauma, carelessness, malnutrition and neglect we add emotional abandonment once they are placed with foster families, which in the best of cases are loving couples that want to give these children a fighting chance. But they are not the parents the children know, they are being robbed of the little security they have been able to accumulate in their short lives.

Neglect and abuse are rampant in the lives of children of drug abusers; they go from a hard birth, with abstinence syndrome and nervousness to a life of neglect and abuse.

The system picks them up and puts them out in to foster families, which are apparently a better option that the precarious situation in which the children live, but nothing close to what the life of a child should be, with provided security, care, love and stability.

We have a terrible problem in our hands, and even though the tear of crack use of the 80s and 90s have subsided in the past few years, we find that there are more births of drunk mothers, which experts say that is even more damaging than crack itself.

To share her testimony, we have invited Ana. Ana has fostered several crack babies, finally adopting three sisters that were born to crack using parents. Please join us to give her a warm welcome on Tuesday October 8th at PM PST http://www.blogtalkradio.com/captivating-chats/2013/10/09/children-of-neglect

To read more on the subject visit Danica’s blog http://nica2013blog.wordpress.com/2013/10/07/forsakened/

Onward and Upward

And we did something about it and it felt great.  To hear Jessica share her story was insightful0419131209 and to see her excitement was priceless. But what was totally amazing was the immediate response from you, our audience. Thank you very much for listening my friends; it was a total success.

Many people had listened to the show and everybody wanted to congratulate Jessica for her courage and her testimony. Some of our listeners were able to offer Jessica help with her project, so I feel that we accomplished a lot.

I would like to thank Jessica Lynn Solsona once again for her time and her willingness to share her story, her experience enriched us all and hopefully her testimony will shed some hope in to people’s hearts. Thanks to people like Jessica we have hope and we have awareness regarding the abuse problem. It was a wonderful experience for all of us.

Once again we see that together we can make a difference. Jessica is set on a project to raise awareness. She is working hard to make a difference for other women and children that may be in a similar situation. She is very motivated to make this project work and we were very happy to be able to help.

Please take a listen here if you missed us:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/captivating-chats/2013/07/31/special-guest-jessica-lynn-solsona

 

You can follow Jessica on Twitter here @lynnsolsona

And you can visit her at  http://www.inspire-the-world.net/my-story/  and about.me/solsonajessica

 

Next week we will have another fascinating topic, nonetheless important and intense. Please help us welcome Toni Ingram, she will be sharing with us the story of her daughter being stalked. Tony has been working to raise awareness on the seriousness of such situations